


A Hospice for Misfit Toys

by Hihoneyimdead



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Backstory, Cute, Dolls, Fictional Penis, Gen Work, Holidays, Non-Explicit, Not Beta Read, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 15:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17062256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hihoneyimdead/pseuds/Hihoneyimdead
Summary: When Jester is seven and the cold winter winds are starting to tiptoe their ways into Nicodranas, the Traveler brings her a little doll with long hair and a blue dress. He says her name is Tracy. Next is a broken toy soldier named Phillip and his little sister, Pam, then Cornelius the magical bear, then Jeff the penis-ful tiefling, and Tracy's cool invisible girlfriend, Janet. And a cute boy at the docks, but that's whatever.





	A Hospice for Misfit Toys

When Jester is seven and the cold winter winds are starting to tiptoe their ways into Nicodranas, the Traveler brings her a little doll with long hair and a blue dress. He says her name is Tracy and that she likes the little cakes Jester’s mama’s chef sometimes makes and that she has a pet owl named Professor Beauregard. And, as her mama has her parties in the bedroom, Jester and the Traveler sit and have a tea party with Tracy and the missing Professor Beauregard. (The professor was invisible, Jester decides that night when she tells her mama all about it instead of going to sleep.) And, when he has to go, he takes Tracy with him. 

“Tracy has somewhere else to be tomorrow,” he says as soon as he sees the tears begin. “She’s very important you know.”

Jester sniffs and holds the doll to her chest. “Is she a princess?”

The Traveler nods, and Jester immediately lights up, because her mama’s going to _freak out_ when she hears that there was a princess in her closet all day! She looks at the smiling doll and carefully hands it over, making the Traveler promise to bring her back again someday. 

“Of course!” he says. He bends over to ruffle Jester’s hair again, and she sniffles and smiles up at him like he always says she should do when they’re together. “Maybe the professor will be there next time!”

She hugs him goodbye, and he hugs her goodbye, and Jester runs out of the closet and into her mama’s bed as soon as he’s gone. 

-

The next winter, the Traveler brings Jester a toy soldier that’s dirty and is missing an arm and half of one of his legs. He says that the soldier’s name is Phillip, he’s with the two of them today for a day of rest, and that she needs to help him relax. 

“He’s usually on the front lines,” the Traveler says. 

Jester absently nods, busy trying to find pieces of wood and stuff to try and mend Phillip’s body together. 

Phillip’s face looks sad, she decides, so she grabs one of her crayons and draws a big smile over his blank face. She smiles, and the Traveler laughs. 

“He looks better already.”

Jester, Phillip, and the Traveler all have a spa day. They have a mud bath, and they put vegetables on their faces, and they get their nails and hair done. By the time her mama’s last guest leaves, Phillip looks good as new, with one of his arms replaced with a clothespin the Traveler found under a pile of Jester’s pictures, and the bottom of his leg made out of Jester’s brown crayon, because she never uses that one anymore after her mama told her not to draw poop anymore. 

Jester’s mama does her secret knock on the door and Jester looks up at the Traveler with a frown. 

“Does Phillip have to go back?” she asks, making her lip tremble in the way that usually makes the adults give her cookies after bedtime when her mama is downstairs singing. It usually works, even on the Traveler. 

But it doesn’t this time. The Traveler sighs and nods. 

“I’m afraid so, little one. But the sooner he goes, the sooner he can come back.”

She smiles and touches up Phillip’s smile before handing him back. She waves at him, and she hugs the Traveler, and they both disappear into the shadows. 

It’s extra cold that night, so she makes sure to ask her mama to ask her god if it can be warm again for the army. Her mama smiles and nods, and she holds Jester close to her chest all night to keep her warm. 

-

Phillip comes back the next year, this time with a little doll wearing a really cute dress and a pink bow in her hair. The doll doesn’t have a name, the Traveler explains, she’s just Phillip’s sister. She wanted to come with him this time to make sure he isn’t getting into any trouble over the holidays. 

“Her name is Pam,” Jester decides. She’s already drawing Pam in the corner of a mostly-filled piece of paper. Pam is green, she had decided, because every other crayon was worn down by the time the Traveler got there. 

“Of course, how could I have forgotten?” the Traveler asks. Jester smiles and rolls her eyes, because she knows that he’s not being serious. She’s ten! She knows when adults are being dumb. 

One of Phillip’s arms is completely gone, now, and that shoulder is blackened. Jester frowns and searches for another clothespin to try that new trick with. 

“What happened?” she asks. 

“I’m not sure. He and Pam came to me this morning and asked if they could go see that wonderful little girl from last year, and I brought them here.”

She doesn’t find a pin. So she gives Phillip her green crayon and fixes it to his shoulder. It doesn’t work as well, but it’ll be fine. 

The four of them tell stories all day. Jester reads from her new book, the one with the pink unicorn on the front. Phillip tells them about his cat. That’s all he talks about. Pam tells them about that time that Phillip was trying to learn magic and accidentally set himself on fire for, like, five hours before their mama got there to put it out. (Phillip wasn’t that happy about that story. Jester looks at the weird stuff on his shoulder and thinks.) And the Traveler tells Phillip and Pam about when Jester was learning how to fix stuff with magic and accidentally mended the door to the floor and had to break the door down to get out. 

But, in the end, they have to leave. Pam has to see her brother safely home. The war is done, apparently, and now Phillip is a teacher. He needs to get home and get ready for teaching or whatever. Which is fine, because Jester’s sure they’ll be back next year. 

-

The next year, Jester is given a pouch of gold and is told to go enjoy the festival for the day. She makes sure to ask her mama to tell the Traveler where she is, and she heads out. 

Now, she hasn’t been outside in forever, but she knows where everything is. She knows where the festival is, and she knows where the candied apple stand is. But there’s a line. A long line. Because it’s cold or whatever and Hanna’s apples are always warm and it’s right next to the beer tent, but still! 

Jester huffs and crosses her arms, rocking back and forth on her feet. She’s been in line for, like, ten hours already, and it’s barely moved. And her mama’s supposed to sing tonight, and she has to be there for it. And the stupid line won’t move! 

She looks out over the tents and at the boats pulling into the harbor. It’s tourist season, and she can see the dumb Empire people in their heavy cloaks and furry pants coming down the docks towards the festival. A couple of them are getting in line, some behind her, and some sneering at the other kids in front of her and stepping in front of her. 

Jester growls a bit and balls her fists. Dumb old guys. If this was a week from now, she would know the spell the Traveler uses to pull dumb old guys’ pants down when they leave her mama’s room. But she doesn’t, because it isn’t, and it’s stupid. 

She stands on her tiptoes to look over the line, and the dumb old guy in front of her stretches and knocks her backwards, and she’s falling and she closes her eyes and--

“Are you all right?” asks the extremely handsome guy holding her up, and Jester immediately knows why her mama does what she does. 

She flutters her eyelashes and smiles, “Yes. Thank you, kind sir.”

The guy gulps and looks away (His blush is green! Holy shit!), and he stands Jester back up on her feet. “You’re, uh…”

She extends a hand as daintily as she can, looking up at him with a small smile. “I’m…” 

He blinks and nods, looking way past her. “Line’s moving.”

She huffs and turns around, because _of course the line is moving now_ , and follows the line. She wants to talk to the hot guy again, but she’s pretty sure that she isn’t supposed to start that conversation. Probably. At least her mama never does. 

When she gets up there, she glances behind her and smiles. She orders two apples and turns around to give one to the mystery guy. But he’s already getting his from the other clerk and leaving. Great. 

She frowns and trudges back home, eating both apples on the way. 

She misses her mama’s show by five minutes. 

-

The Traveler goes out with her the next year, and they sit by the docks waiting for the mystery guy eating candied apples. He’s gonna come back this year, she knows it. She’s practically an adult now, and adults know everything. And the Traveler says so. 

“Any minute now,” he says. She crosses her legs and takes a bite of her apple. 

“What if he doesn’t come?” she blurts out. It’s been on the tip of her tongue all day, and now that the sun’s starting to set, it spits itself out. 

“He will,” the Traveler says. His cloak blows in the wind, his hair getting all messy. “And if not, I know a certain bear who would love to hang out until your mother’s show.”

She perks up a bit and looks at him, head tilted. 

He smiles and reaches into his cloak with one hand, pulling a little blue push bear out and setting it on her lap. Its eyes are pink buttons and it has a smile stitched on and it’s probably the cutest thing ever. She holds it to her chest with her free arm. 

“Where do you keep getting these toys from?” she asks. 

“Cornelius here came for the apples. He’s a big candy fan,” says the Traveler. 

Cornelius nods in agreement, and Jester gasps. The little bear wriggles out of her grasp and onto the dock next to her, watching the sunset. 

“What the fuck!?” she gasps, dropping her apple in the water and clapping her hands over her mouth. 

“He lives with a friend of mine. She’s another magician.”

The little bear nods, tucking himself under Jester’s arm. 

The Traveler puts an arm around her shoulders and pulls her close. “Won’t that boy be impressed when he sees you with a magical bear?”

He gives her his apple, she takes a bite out of the side he wasn’t eating, and Cornelius eats up the dripping caramel. It’s only when the stars are all out that Jester wants to go home. No sign of the guy all day, her legs are cramping, and Cornelius is asleep in her arms. And so the Traveler walks her home, stopping at the door and watching her mama’s performance. Jester leans against the back wall and watches, magicking a chair out from one of the dumb old guys when he tries to grab her mama’s arm in the middle of it. The room breaks out in laughter, the Traveler, gives Jester a thumbs up, and both he and Cornelius fade away as the show finishes. 

-

Pam comes back the next year, this time in a pretty green dress with yellow bows on it, and the Traveler brings a coloring book. 

“Where’s Phillip?” Jester asks them. The tiefling she’s coloring in doesn’t have any lines, it’s just one single blob she has to figure out. So far they’re purple. 

“Sick,” the Traveler says after a moment of talking with Pam. “He got the flu, poor thing. But he forced his sister to come here.”

It turns out that this is Pam’s first day away from her brother since Jester last saw her. Which is sad. 

She decides that the tiefling’s feet are blue. It just fits. 

“Tell him I say hi, okay?” she asks Pam. “And tell him that next time he’s sick, to tell the Traveler to fix him. He’s real good at that!”

The Traveler laughs and shakes his head. “I’ll see what I can do. But you’re the healer here.”

She smiles and starts on what she decides is where the pants are. “Thank you!”

Pam doesn’t say much else all day. Apparently she’s too busy worrying about Phillip. But that’s fine. She still sits there and helps Jester color in this weird, colorful tiefling. 

At the bottom, Jester signs her signature (which is really just the Traveler’s symbol, but whatever), and she names the tiefling. 

“‘Jeff’,” reads the Traveler. He ruffles Jester’s hair and pins the picture up on the wall. “I like it.”

Jester’s mama is not as big of a fan, because she takes it down long enough to blot out the big penis halfway up Jeff’s chest. And the big penis on the back of their head. And the big penis where she’s pretty sure penises are supposed to go. 

(She draws them back on when her mama goes to bed.)

-

The Traveler brings Tracy back. Her hair is shorter now, and she’s wearing pants, and she’s real beat up. But this is what Jester’s for, so she gets to work. 

“What happened?” she asks as she works on repainting the doll’s face, her tongue sticking halfway out her mouth. 

“She fell down a well,” the Traveler shrugs. “Trying to impress her girlfriend, probably.”

Jester snaps her head towards him, eyes narrowed. “Tracy has a girlfriend and you didn’t tell me?”

He smiles and raises his hands in defense. “It’s supposed to be a secret! She isn’t quite ready to let people know yet.”

She slowly gets back to work, asking question after question about this mysterious girlfriend. Her name is Janet, she is a bodyguard, and she was too shy to come with her girlfriend to see Jester today. And she’s probably an angel. And she can probably beat Jester in an arm wrestling contest, which is pretty impressive. 

“I’ll see if she wants to come next time,” the Traveler promises. 

Jester finishes cleaning off Tracy’s skin and smiles. She hands her over and crosses her arms. 

“She’d better. Her and Professor Beauregard.”

He laughs and tucks Tracy away in his cloak. “I’ll see to it.”

And, as soon as he leaves, Jester flops back on the floor and stares at the ceiling. She can hear her mama doing her thing next door, and today’s her late day, so Jester’s stuck in here until at least midnight again. The Traveler stays less and less these days, instead coming for only an hour or two to teach her spells and inspect her drawings. And that’s fine! She’s just lonely, that’s all. 

Snow begins to fall outside of her window, and Jester sighs. Snow means that it’s going to be cold tonight, and her blankets are all in the closet in her mama’s room, not that she minds. So she wraps her robe around herself and curls up a bit, twirling her fingers and muttering under her breath. This is her favorite spell. Thunder booms from right outside of her mama’s door, the dumb old guy in the bed screams, and Jester smiles. 

-

Several years later in a little inn in Trostenwald, a dirty man and a dirty little girl come downstairs, and Jester feels the Traveler’s smile on the back of her neck. They sit next to her and Beau and Fjord and talk and drink and stare. And then a purple tiefling and a pale woman come through the door and tell her fortune. It’s a sign from the Traveler, she’s sure. 

Months later, she meets a tall cow man with pink hair. It’s another sign. 

There is Pam, a goblin in disguise. Molly has many names, but he’s happy with just the one, and it isn’t Jeff, and that’s fine. 

And then there’s Tracy as they search the streets of Jester’s hometown. And there’s Phillip and Janet and Cornelius on the pirate ship. 

Jester sits in the crow’s nest counting the stars as the Traveler appears. Everyone else is asleep or down below, she made sure of that, so it’s fine when they start talking. 

“Can you see the future?” she asks. 

“No,” he says after a long moment. “Why?”

She thinks back to Tracy the doll’s sudden haircut, and Cornelius’ pink eyes, and Phillip’s not-smile, and Pam’s devotion, and Jeff’s colorful penises. 

“No reason,” she says after just as long of a moment. “Just curious, that’s all.”

She knows she’s a good liar, so she knows that he believes her. She pulls out her paints and draws up a candied apple for him, and she hands it over. He takes it and twirls the stick in his fingers. 

“Are you all right?” he asks. 

“Of course!” she answers, grinning. 

He nods and takes a bite of his apple. 

The wind blows across the both of them, and Nott’s drunken screaming reaches their ears. She and Beau stumble on deck, Jester glances down at them, and the Traveler is gone.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr, for however long it lasts: @woozlebucket
> 
> Comments would be appreciated because i am trying to do this more often and idk they're just nice. Don't feel obligated, though.


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